


When it strikes I take it out on you

by R3ad3r1



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Angst, Depression, Established Relationship, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Rage
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-05
Updated: 2021-03-05
Packaged: 2021-03-18 15:49:31
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,441
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29860440
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/R3ad3r1/pseuds/R3ad3r1
Summary: This is just a polaroid of what can happen when Dan has one of his bad spells.It's much more focused on Phil and how he lives these moments.
Relationships: Dan Howell & Phil Lester, Dan Howell/Phil Lester
Kudos: 15





	When it strikes I take it out on you

Phil knows it the exact moment he steps into the house: Dan is having a moment, something is wrong with him. He just knows and it's not because Dan is blasting “I'm not OK” by My Chemical Romance, but it's because he's not messily dancing at it as he usually does. It's because there is a half-eaten bowl of cinnamon cereals and a glass full of water on the coffee table, and Dan's laptop is just abandoned on the floor. It's 7:00 PM and Dan is still wearing the shirt he uses to sleep, Phil is sure he didn't shower today.

“Dan” he calls out one knowing that he won't get an answer. It's more to announce his presence than to elicit a sound from his boyfriend. Dan doesn't even shrug or acknowledges Phil. They have done this kind of dance for 10 years and it hurts every time.

“Danny”

“Don’t call me Danny.”

Phil sighs, picks up the bowl of cereals, wonders if it's worth eating a spoonful but the cereals are soggy and disgusting. He throws them away asking gingerly “You want something to eat?”

“No.”

Phil is aware that trying to push Dan is not the best, but he also knows that it might make him feel better “You sure? Whatever you want I'll be fine with it: I promise.”

“Cheese” is the flat answer and a wave of rage washes over Phil: that answer has only been given to despise him. Phil closes his eyes, turning away from his boyfriend, remembering that this is not what Dan really thinks, it's just a chemical imbalance in his brain: Dan loves him.

“If you really want cheese, I can go get some.” he offers.

“I'll go.” replies Don go into the bedroom to pick up a pair of black skinny jeans and a sweater. He leaves the phone on his nightstand and slams the door behind his back. He has no keys, no wallet, no phone and Phil wants to run behind him but this is not what Dan wants, what Dan needs. He is always scared about what Dan could do in these moments: where will he go? What will he do? There is also another set of questions that Phil pushes away because it is not fair towards Dan: he cannot control this, he is not hurting Phil on purpose.

He has to remember that Don is not trying to deliberately hurt him, it's just something that happens in the process but it hurts a lot.

Time passes and Phil grows impatient, worried every hour more because he doesn't know where Dan is, if he is fine, if he has done something stupid or not. He could not delete from his memory that time Dan came back home covered in blood with a cut on his cheekbone or the other time when he was so drunk that he could barely stand. To be honest, it has been a long, long time ago, these episodes are now rare but they still shake Phil to his core because he feels that he has not been able to help Dan overcome this through all the years they have been together. Who knows what will happen in the future ... Will Dan be able to cope with a child? He cannot just leave if there is a child with them, or if Phil is sick... Phil’s mind is racing, he's restless and he keeps on wondering about the future. The scenarios in his head becoming worse at every round. He realizes he is panicking too, it's almost midnight and Dan is not home yet. Phil’s stomach is in knots and he feels sick.

It's impossible to wait while doing something else, so Phil resolves to stay in front of a window, his blue eyes trained on the street, his heart skipping a bit every time someone even remotely resembling Dan is walking in the direction of their home. Now every minute seems to be lasting hours, tears are stinging in Phil's eyes and he's tempted to call the police, but he knows he can't. It's hard even looking out of the window now: his world seems to be falling apart, Phil slowly presses his back against the cold glass and sits down on the floor, his head in between his knees when he thinks that he might lose the love of his life. What happens if he loses Dan: the man he shared a third of his life with? The only one he wants by side forever, the one he pictured himself growing old and grey? Now even breathing is painful and once his gaze moves to the clock and he sees that it's 2 AM his chest is constricting.

Eventually, half an hour later, Phil hears a faint, uncertain knock on the door and jumps on his feet rushing to open it. Dan is there, an apologetic expression on his face while he is looking at Phil almost asking for permission to enter their house. Phil grabs him by the hand and pulls Dan inside. “You okay? Are you hurt? Are you OK ?!”

“Yeah ... I'm sorry.”

“What the hell Dan! What the fucking hell! Are you trying to kill me?” Phil is losing it, the stress of the last hours and the relief of having Dan back home are fuelling his rage.

“I'm sorry, I didn't mean it. I lost track of time, I needed a bit of space.” Offers Dan raising his arms.

“Lock up yourself in the fucking studio, in the guest room, in the bathroom but don't do this to me! What I have done to you?” there is no way to stop now that he has started, he cannot shut his mouth, he cannot remember all the sensible things he was thinking when Dan left. Phil shoves Dan against the wall pretty harshly.

“You scared the shit out of me, Dan!”

“I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry, Phil. You know that sometimes I can't control it.

Phil knows it but he’s hurt, and he wants to slap Dan, yell at him, to punch him in the stomach but this is not what Phil usually does so he steps away and unexpectedly Dan lashes out.

“Don't go away! Am I not worthy of your rage? Are you not mad at me? Am I not important to you, Lester? I'm not worth the fight?”

“Why this has to be only about you? Why you don't get that it's hurting me so much!” Phil says these words under his breath not really wanting Dan to hear what he has to say.

“So I'm not.” concludes Dan, his hands combing hastily through his hair “What can I do if I lose you? If you don't want to fight for me, with me anymore?”

“You stupid tall idiot!” Phil yells “I was worried sick! I'm so mad at you that I'm having troubles not to punch you right in the face!” and this is when something shines on Dan’s cheek. Dan is crying and Phil’s rage is gone. He just takes Dan into his arms, stroking his hair gently while Dan is sobbing, almost soaking his boyfriend’s T-shirt with tears.

“Let it out, Dan. I'm here for you, always. You are always worth it.”

“What if someday I won't be? What if you grow annoyed of my nonsense?” Dan asks fisting a handful of Phil's T-shirt, not wanting to let him go “What if you want somebody who can take care of you? Somebody normal.”

“You can take care of me, Danny boy.” he reassures, the pet name easy on his lips, while he softly draws circles on his boyfriend’s back.

“When?” Dan asks hiccupping.

“When you are not in such a bad mood. Today it's my turn.”

Phil is home, Phil is safe and Phil understands him, always. Dan is overwhelmed by the guilt: he knows how bad Phil was feeling while he was wandering around London because he was lost. He walks for hours every time and it seems that all his answers are in Phil’s embrace. After 10 years one should be used to it, right? That's Dan's issue: he cannot get used to it, to the wonder of having a true soulmate, somebody who can forgive you way quicker than you can forgive yourself.

“I love you, Phil. I'm so sorry.” Dan murmurs in Phil’s shoulder.

“I know. I'm mad at you because of the horrifying hours of pure terror you made me live, but I'm grateful you're here: safe and sound, with me, again. We can go through this, we always do.”

“Yeah… we always do.”


End file.
